A Clean Heart

Today, I deleted my Facebook account.

No more status updates, 'Like' buttons, tags and comments.

Today, I also had a revelation about who I am. Or better: Who I am not. Which is part of my decision to remove ‘Wiebke (Struck) Thrasher’ from Facebook.

I am not always as happy as my photos on Facebook made me look. My marriage is not perfect. There are days where I wish I wasn’t a mother. My dog doesn’t always listen. I am not a compassionate person. God has been taken a backseat in my life (because I put Him there). I use cake mix for my banana bread. Sometimes I go to bed without brushing my teeth. I am jealous. A lot. Instead of being grateful for the things I have, I create wish lists online with more things I want. I tithe. But I have been holding back on my offerings. I always drive faster than the speed limit. Most nights, I am too exhausted and just nurse Emma to sleep instead of teaching her to fall asleep on her own. Prayer hasn’t been part of my daily routine. I am easily offended. My expectations in friends are too high. For the past year, I haven’t shown my husband enough respect. Sometimes I wear a pair of jeans for an entire week. As of late, I am struggling to honor my stepfather. I don’t like some of our neighbors. Often, I find myself being envious of other people’s lives. I want to lose weight but can’t stop eating ice cream. I keep starting projects but never see them through. I still feel like I failed with my business. I get angry. Things I say inside our home should never be heard outside.

And what has all of this to do with Facebook, you wonder?

First, I felt that I was representing a person that wasn’t me. Second, I also felt utterly distracted from dealing with myself. I realized I need to get rid of ‘stuff’ and shift my focus on important things like God, my husband, my baby, my dog. I desperately need a clean slate and a renewed spirit.

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. ~ Psalm 51:10

Today was the beginning of my personal clean-up. Facebook was the first step, I no longer have wish lists on Amazon, Crate and Barrel or Etsy (Favorites). I even went as far as unsubscribing from all those blogs that make me want more stuff.

Tomorrow, I’ll drop off all of Emma’s outgrown baby clothes at the Homeless Prenatal Program.

Next step, selling my business inventory. And starting therapy.

Wow, even this blog post was like striptease for my soul. I promise the next post will be cheery and chirpy again. So, don’t leave me.

 

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Comments

  1. All I can say is that I love you as a person and I think you are great! I miss you and wish I could give you a big hug!! You are not alone I think we (esp us women) all feel like you do and don’t forget that you are a new mum! I have just read you blog on sleep and believe me I have been there too! Aiden never slept and it nearly sent me over the edge I also couldn’t let him cry it out and have since read a lot about the damage that this crying can cause so am not going to go there with Luca either – but I know your dilemma, too exhausted to carry on but no other options seem available. All I can say is they all learn to sleep eventually, Aiden took a while but co sleeping is the solution that worked best for me and I found and find now with Luca that they sleep better and don’t wake for feeds as much if they are next to you, but then they are all different! Hang in there and try and sleep when Emma does during the day, you still can when you have one :-) it does really help and hang in there!!
    love you to bits, think of you often and thanks for your honesty!

  2. Noch ein Kommentar zur Ergänzung:
    Daß du dich unzulänglich fühlst: ganz normal!
    Daß du unzufrieden mit dir und der Welt bist: ganz normal!
    Daß du Dinge nicht auf die Reihe kriegst: da soll mal einer den ersten Stein werfen! :-)
    (Jep, ich kann DAS BUCH zitieren und jep, ich krieg gleichfalls nichts auf die Reihe)
    Also: Stress dich mal nicht so und lass die Nummer mit dem “Ich cancel jetzt alles, was mich verführen könnte”!
    Das bist doch gar nicht du! Du bist nun mal ein Fan der schönen Dinge im Leben.
    Und nur, weil man eine Liste der Dinge hat, die schön sind, muß man sie ja nicht gleich alle kaufen. (Man darf sie aber durchaus haben wollen!)
    Hin und wieder sind diese Listen auch toll, um anderen eine Freude zu machen oder selbst auf kreative Ideen zu kommen. Gib also in einem Anfall von “Ich werd jetzt sofort ein besserer Mensch” nicht alles auf, was dir im Leben wichtig ist. Und ja, auch diese unwichtigen Listen gehören zu den kleinen, aber wichtigen Dingen im Leben! Weils manchmal einfach schön ist.
    So, das von der alten Sünderin.:-)
    Und nur mal so wegen der Logik: Du cancelst Facebook und verbringst dafür jetzt Zeit auf deinem Blog, um allen mitzuteilen, was du vorher auf Facebook der Welt mitgeteilt hast. Mmmh…. Zeitersparnis?
    Aber ich misch mich da gar nicht ein. Du machst das schon. Laß dich nicht unterkriegen, diese Zeiten gehen vorbei, auch wenns jetzt nicht so scheint! Ich habs ja schon gesagt: Wenn Emma auf 1 Jahr zugeht, wird alles besser. Du wirst sehen, Ehe, Freunde, Freizeit, Freude am Kind und auch dein Schlaf: Alles wird mehr! Bin in Gedanken bei dir!!!
    Kaka

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