Meet the Woods: Stacy, her husband Andy (both 30) and their 5-year old son C welcomed little S into their family when he was 22 months old. Read Stacy’s incredibly intense story of bringing S home from Ethiopia.
Why did you decide to adopt?
When my husband and I were first married (7 1/2 years ago) we went on a mission trip to Thailand where we worked with an orphanage. We knew from that moment that we would adopt one day.
We always thought we would have two or three biological children and then adopt one or two more. But after having C, we were unable to get pregnant again. We tried to get pregnant for a couple of years and then decided that maybe it was time to pursue adoption instead.
Have you considered becoming a foster parent?
A little. I have a friend who is pursuing it so she has kept me informed on the process. The thing that scares me the most about it is allowing my heart to fall in love with a child and then having that child taken from me. I believe it takes a vey loving and selfless person to be a good foster parent. I know there is a huge need.
How did you choose the adoption agency you wanted to work with?
This decision was probably the hardest part because there are so many options and it felt overwhelming just to get started. We requested and information packet from five different Christian adoption agencies. When we received the packets, I read through them, but honestly couldn’t tell any huge differences. I asked some other adoptive families for any advice they might have, and then ended up choosing a Christian adoption agency that a friend of ours used for two different adoptions and had a great experience with both. The name of our agency is America World Adoption. Once we finally decided on the agency, they held our hand through the whole process and we never had to wonder what to do next.
How did you raise funds for the adoption?
We sent out a letter to all of our friends and family telling them about our exciting journey and asking them to be apart of it with us by making a contribution. Our adoption agency had a fund set up where people could make a tax-deductible donation. We also applied for every grant that we ran across and received two different grants. For our baby shower we asked people to consider contributing toward the adoption expenses in lieu of a gift.
Explain your relationship with the birth parents. What did you feel when you first met them?
The day that we met our son’s birth mother was an extremely emotional day for us. We first saw her at the “courthouse”, but we did not speak at that time. She spoke with the judge first to relinquish her rights. Then we met with the judge and she told us on the spot that we passed court and our adoption was full and final. We felt like celebrating, but also felt like weeping at the same time. Adoption is a beautiful thing, but the story always begins with tragedy. Our greatest joy and most treasured gift comes at the cost of her greatest loss. We felt that very deeply in that moment.
What what was your biggest fear about adoption and how did you conquer it?
Finances. Who has $30K sitting in a bank account labeled “Adoption”? It was a huge step of faith, but one that everyone kept assuring us that God would provide for. And He did!
The crazy thing about God’s provision is that you never know where it is going to come from…if we did it wouldn’t require faith. But we felt like God had called us to adopt, so we stepped out in obedience believing that He would provide.
How long did you wait for your son?
We submitted our application to our adoption agency at the beginning of October 2009. We completed our paperwork at the end of January 2010. We got our referral for S at the beginning of May 2010. We went to see him and passed court in July 2010. And then I went back to Ethiopia for our Embassy appointment and to bring him home in August 2010. The whole process was a little over 10 months for us.
Can you share your coming home story?
This is my story about traveling home with S:
Families are required to travel twice for Ethiopian adoptions, once for court and then again for the embassy appointment. Since we were unable to arrange childcare for our son for the second trip we decided that I would make that trip alone.
The week that S and I spent together in Ethiopia was pure bliss. Like a mini vacation, really. The trip home? Well, that didn’t go so well…
S had never been on an airplane so the setting was totally overstimulating for him. He could not get himself calmed down. Then the screaming started because he was overtired but couldn’t fall asleep. At one point he was screaming so loud that he started waking up other babies, so I went into the bathroom with him just so that he could scream in private!
When we got to Dubai it was almost 1 AM. By the time I got to our room and S to sleep it was 3 AM. I then took a shower, washed his bottles, and repacked the bags for the next day. It was 3:45 AM when I finally laid down. The wake up call was for 4:30 AM. Unfortunately, the wake up call never came, but (Praise the Lord!) I woke up and checked my watch: It was 4:50 AM. S and I were out the door at 5:10 AM. S screaming at full volume, of course.
S screamed all the way through security because I tried to put him in a rental stroller. He was not having it, but his screaming did get us a ticket to the front of the line. There’s really no reasoning with a 1 year old that Mommy can’t carry you going through security because we’ve got so many bags. Once we got through security, I put him back in my sling and that quieted him down.
The Dubai airport is insane. It is huge and yet every square inch is PACKED with people. It’s like the mall the day after Thanksgiving. They have these cool little carts (kinda like a small grocery cart) that I saw a bunch of people pushing around. I thought, “I need one of those carts.” There was no cart to be found. I even stopped and asked an employee where I could get one and he said I couldn’t because there were probably none left. Thanks, Captain Helpful.
Picture this: I was walking down the terminal with a 25 pound child in a sling with a backpack on my back, pulling a roller suitcase that has S’ diaper bag clipped to it. And I passed a dude that looked like he was in college, pushing a cart with only his backpack inside. I was more than a little disgusted.
I eventually had to find something for S and I to eat because we had to leave the hotel at 5 AM and they didn’t start serving breakfast until 5:30 AM. So I found a Starbucks where I got a drink, a muffin, and a croissant. So now add a Starbucks bag to the things I was carrying.
By then, S was getting very squirmy in the sling and about to fall out. All I could do was walk to the terminal. I can only imagine the look of determination that must have been on my face. I was focusing on my breathing (just like when I was in labor…oh, this adoption has been so much like the birth of C) and putting one foot in front of the other. Walking by all these losers with half empty carts. I finally sat down on the ground. You know the feeling when you try to carry all the groceries in from the car at once and you think your hands might fall off by the time you get to the front door? Yeah, I had that feeling.
As soon as I had sat down the screaming started again. (Don’t forget, I’m running on 45 minutes of sleep in a 24 hour time span.) I stood back up to bounce S and tried to console him, but nothing was working. He was exhausted too. He didn’t want his bottle or a blankie or a stuffed animal or food or to be held or to be put down. He didn’t want to be touched, yet he wanted to be in my arms. He arched his back and slapped my hands away and pushed his feet against my torso.
Finally, a woman from Africa said, “Let me give it a try.” I gladly handed him over, but that didn’t help either. At this point I was thinking, “I am about to board a 16 hour flight. What if he does this the whole flight? I can’t do this. I need to talk to Andy. I have to get in touch with Andy now.” So I got my computer out of my suitcase and started booting it up while trying to console S at the same time. I sent Andy the following email:
“things are horrible. cant write much. s is inconsolable and screaming constantly. overstimulated and overtired. wont sleep. i’m falling apart. please pray.”
About that time, a European lady walked over to offer to help. By this point I was in tears as well. She held S while I loaded everything up so I could go through the check point at my gate. Sling, baby, backpack, roller bag, diaper bag, Starbucks bag, drink, passports, and boarding passes.
Once I got to my gate, S suddenly calmed down. I knew in my heart that Andy had just gotten my email and had started praying immediately on my behalf. I gave S something to eat and got my computer out again to skype with Andy. I called him and he had gotten my email and already sent out a prayer request via Twitter, Facebook and email. I sobbed on the phone with Andy as all the other passengers in the terminal looked on. It really comforted me to talk with Andy like that and to know that literally hundreds of people were praying for us.
We boarded the plane, I gave S his bottle, and he was asleep before take off. He slept for the first 8 hours of the flight. When he woke up, he was back to his happy, playful self again! We had a few screaming incidents, but compared to what we had been through, they were very manageable. I could literally feel people praying for us.
S feel asleep again for about the last hour of the flight. He was NOT happy when he woke up and screamed during the de-boarding process. I did not care, though. We were HOME! Customs was brutally slow, but S did well. Luggage inspection didn’t go quite as well, as something got S upset and he screamed for the fifteen minutes it took to retrieve our bags. At one point I had to just lay him on the floor and let him scream so I could load the bags on my cart. A flight attendant saw me and came over to help.
When I walked out, the entire staff from our church was there! They were cheering and had balloons, signs and cameras. I was so relieved to be done with the trip that I just started to cry. It was SO good, kiss-the-ground good, singing “God Bless America” good, to be home!
Do you have any advice for the adjustment process post-adoption?
The best piece of advice I heard was, “Do not try to evaluate how your adoption is going until you’ve been home with your child for at least 6 months.” Those first months were SO MUCH harder than I had anticipated. I had read lots of stuff explaining all the possible difficulties that we might go through, but it is quite a different experience when you are living it day in/day out. We went through the sleepless nights, inconsolable screaming fits, rejecting affection, etc.
There is a certain level of grief and mourning that every family member goes through as you find your “new normal”. I wondered if I would ever feel like S’ mom and I wondered if I would ever be able to love him the way he deserved to be loved. I cried many-a-tears during those months and felt a heavy sense of guilt that this attachment process was not going like I had hoped. But, just hang in there. Keep making choices to love with words and actions even if the feeling are hard to come by. We have had S home for 14 months now, and it is a different story these days! He is such a natural part of our family. We deeply love him and he loves us. I think sometimes it just takes time to build trust and memories and let love grow.
Does your adopted child know that he is adopted? When did you tell him?
Oh, yes! We talk about adoption all the time and it is celebrated in our home. We have books about adoption. We will celebrate our “Gotcha Day” every year. He is too young at this point to understand adoption completely, but it will always be an open conversation in our home.
Would you adopt again?
Absolutely! We hope to adopt again once S starts school (probably in 2 years).
Stacie and Andy, it’s been incredibly emotional to hear your adoption story! What a journey…Thank you so much for sharing!
